Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have, but I have it - Lana del Rey
This song strikes a chord, especially in these days as I seem heavily immersed in nostalgic thoughts being back in Hong Kong after a while (and watching videos of strangers answer questions about their first loves, lost loves, painful life moments, etc.). I have spent a large part of my young adult years feeling a lack of something in my life, mostly in the domain of romantic relationships. As time passed and the situation didn't change, I went on to envision more and more realistically the possibility that I would spend my life without someone on my side, which left me distraught at first, but which I have learned to live with in a way that allowed me to still be serendipitous. My mind and approach to life have been shaped by these feelings to the point that I (still) have an instinctive, baseline tendency to consider myself as single, even when I am not. Be it when I listen to a song or relate to other people's stories and experiences, often I empathise with others' words and feelings and stories with a "I know what you feel, I'm in the same boat too!" attitude, to then realise it is actually not true. As I have been spending more and more time in relationships, this feeling has been slowly fading to the back of my mind, but sometimes still emerges. I used to think that my case was hopeless, but it wasn't. If I made it, you can make it too. Be it because you have had too many experiences and it seems that no one would wanna stick with you, or that you have barely had any experience and it seems that no one even wants to give you a chance, if you want to have someone on your side, don't give up! Someone is out there and you never know what life has planned for you. If you have no desire to have (just) one person next to you and the world seems to push back all the time to the socialised concept of the stable, monogamous relationship, don't give up! There are other people out there who feel in the same way. Either way, life changes and what we want changes. Sometimes we "change what we want" based on what is available to us, and sometimes this can be good, you can fins happiness where you didn't look for it. But be honest with your feelings and desires, and don't settle for something that doesn't really make you feel good about the present and about the future! It will be hard, but if you pick the good card from the deck, it will have been worth the wait 🙂. Don't give up on hope, even when it's painful to keep it. Hope is a dangerous thing to have for people like us, for people with our past. But we have it.
A bell just rang in my head to remind me of this album and I threw myself into it immediately. Of course, I got immediately transported back to late 2016. Now pondering about how my life is in an opposite stage as it was back then, but at the same time it's the same. Back then I was starting my path in Hong Kong, and now (goodness willing) I am entering the final stage of it, ready to step into something new soon (the first step into vs the last step before getting out of). I was (not that) innocent back then, I already felt like an adult but I the experiences I've gone through in the past 4 years make me look back to that older me as "still a kid" (I am still innocent, as much as Britney). I was at the "beginning" of something then as I am now, with similar dreams and plans, but there is a world of difference in me and in the situations (young adult vs hair-losing adult). I wanted to find something stable back then as I do now, but I knew well that the stability I'd find back then would be temporary, while the one I look for now could be "forever" (unstable stability vs stable stability). The people I had in my life back then are still here as before, even if dynamics change; many others have come in the life rollercoaster, even if dynamics are often similar (same difference vs different sameness). Life happenings are similar now and then, but I feel like I was doing everything with much more passion back then, stronger feelings, more excitement, whereas now I appreciate routine more than ever (not that I didn't before) and I sometimes wonder where did most of the passion go. Maybe this stay-at-home 2020 has taken more life out of life than I realised. Hopefully it will teach me/us to appreciate the little things more, to get excited about nothing, to find passion in the routine (routine passion vs passionate routine). It feels like I was becoming an adult back then, and now I am in the process of becoming an adult again, just a next stage adult (again, young vs hair-losing). Weird feelings. Weird thoughts. Maturity is such a relative concept, when looking at the present vs the past. But songs that make me feel nostalgic always send me back to younger days. And I realise that in the end, even if everything is different, some things haven't changed much: I was not 2 shy to say it back then, I guess I am not now either.
