Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have, but I have it - Lana del Rey

Hope is a dangerous thing for
a woman like me to have, but
I have it - Lana del Rey

This song strikes a chord, especially in these days as I seem heavily immersed in nostalgic thoughts being back in Hong Kong after a while (and watching videos of strangers answer questions about their first loves, lost loves, painful life moments, etc.). I have spent a large part of my young adult years feeling a lack of something in my life, mostly in the domain of romantic relationships. As time passed and the situation didn't change, I went on to envision more and more realistically the possibility that I would spend my life without someone on my side, which left me distraught at first, but which I have learned to live with in a way that allowed me to still be serendipitous. My mind and approach to life have been shaped by these feelings to the point that I (still) have an instinctive, baseline tendency to consider myself as single, even when I am not. Be it when I listen to a song or relate to other people's stories and experiences, often I empathise with others' words and feelings and stories with a "I know what you feel, I'm in the same boat too!" attitude, to then realise it is actually not true. As I have been spending more and more time in relationships, this feeling has been slowly fading to the back of my mind, but sometimes still emerges. I used to think that my case was hopeless, but it wasn't. If I made it, you can make it too. Be it because you have had too many experiences and it seems that no one would wanna stick with you, or that you have barely had any experience and it seems that no one even wants to give you a chance, if you want to have someone on your side, don't give up! Someone is out there and you never know what life has planned for you. If you have no desire to have (just) one person next to you and the world seems to push back all the time to the socialised concept of the stable, monogamous relationship, don't give up! There are other people out there who feel in the same way. Either way, life changes and what we want changes. Sometimes we "change what we want" based on what is available to us, and sometimes this can be good, you can fins happiness where you didn't look for it. But be honest with your feelings and desires, and don't settle for something that doesn't really make you feel good about the present and about the future! It will be hard, but if you pick the good card from the deck, it will have been worth the wait 🙂. Don't give up on hope, even when it's painful to keep it. Hope is a dangerous thing to have for people like us, for people with our past. But we have it.

In my feelings - Lana del Rey

Countdown to 2019: -1 (but, well... Happy 2019!)

In my feelings - Lana del Rey

This last song comes in late (but it's still 2018 somewhere), and it's actually from 2017, so it's already 2 years old, but who cares! It took me a while to approach Lana's most recent album, but there were some hidden gems that I really came to appreciate in the past months. This song in particular really resonated with me for some events that happened in this 2018. I have been unapologetic for feeling all my (fu*king) feelings (like Lana), coming out of a relationship with communication problems in which I was the one who expressed all the feelings (maybe even too much), and especially realising I am living in a city surrounded by people who do not show (and claim not even to feel) their emotions, a fact which is starting to make me not feel at home in Hong Kong... Cultural differences are undeniable, and I left Italy as a "not-very-affectionate" person to end up in Hong Kong feeling like an emotional spinning top. I tried to find the middle way, but unsuccessfully so far, and I decided to indeed be feeling all my fuc*king feelings. Good ones, bad ones, I'd rather be alive than feel like a straight line on an ECG, even if being alive means facing problems, absoring negative events and emotions, and being emotionally unstable. I'm feeling all my fu*king feelings, and I'll keep doing so in 2019 too for sure. I wish you all a new year full of feelings (hopefully mostly good ones, but don't underestimate the bad ones, because they offer a much needed reference point for us to feel happy in other times) and of course of great music!

Cheers!